On The Court

There is a much used phrase, one of many, within the Landmark training which is 'on the court', as opposed to 'in the stands'.  What is meant by this phrase is two-fold; firstly that people tend to go through their lives, or areas of it, sitting in the stands watching the action, whilst others get on the court and make the plays.  Secondly, that when people talk about things that are closest to themselves they either do so from the stands, talking in general terms and theorising, whilst others talk about their lives as they are actually happening, bringing their world to others and therefore sharing experiences, which often elicits a much more resonant response from the audience.

In my last post about expectations I don't think that on re-reading I was on the court enough.  There are reasons that people do not get on the court when addressing their lives; mainly perceived as either to protect themselves, or sometimes also to protect others.  I don't think at this time it is fair to write so publicly, under my own name, and sharing through my own social media accounts, about all of the affairs of my life and relationships, the interactions with my family and friends, and my most personal past.  There are some things at this stage that I do not feel will benefit me or those around me by sharing.  I am not ashamed of anything that has happened in my life and privately in conversation there is little or nothing I wouldn't be happy discussing. However, I do want to get as much on the court as I can without breaching this thought.

To return then to what I am getting from completing the work I have done so far with Landmark and now that I am coming to some bigger realisations with the benefit of more time and clarity I want to talk more about how life is transforming for me.  When I say transforming, I really mean that too as I am finding that life is turning up for me in a way that I'm not sure I would have believed if you had sold it to me this way only a few months ago.  That being because when habits have been formed over such a long period and when feelings are so ingrained that you do take a comfort from them no matter how unwanted it can take something to really see that life doesn't have to continue to be the same way that it has always been.

I asked my sister-in-law's partner - who together both kindly funded the expense of the Landmark Forum for me - what he had gotten out of the experience and his answer was that he just takes an extra second or two before responding. It didn't sound like much to me, but I had an inkling that there was more to that than at first sounded.  Now I get a sense of that myself with the small differences in my way of being that are contributing to the transformation I am experiencing.

The most noticeable difference for me is, I am less angry.  This is huge for me.  I was very angry at lots of things, lots of people, for lots of reasons.  Some of those reasons were good reasons.  I mean very good, very well-thought out reasons, that others were enrolled in agreeing with me on.  I am sure I could enrol many of you to agree with me in the same way.  Couldn't we all do the same with our constant complaints?  I have been perpetuating some of that anger for a long time, probably since my teens and right throughout my adult life.  Being angry about those things and with those people has kept me right about the reasons and kept them wrong.  That being so, it has done nothing for me positively that I can quantify and yet still, I hung on to them, going down the same corridor expecting the cheese to be there when it was moved years ago.  Even rats don't make that mistake more than a handful of times.

Being angry is a terrible emotion.  It has a distinctive feeling that goes with it that is not enjoyable at all.  It manifests itself physically - I suffer from pan-ulcerative colitis, but have most certainly aggravated my condition, or had related irritable bowel symptoms caused by my anger.  I have suffered back pains too.  Above all, anger is completely disempowering and tethers us to the person or situation we are angry about, denying us our freedom. It also prevents us from being truly present.

Part of being able to let go of anger comes from learning about forgiveness.  I have come to forgive myself and others, which has meant I can create a future free from those tethers to the past.

Forgiveness can often seem like a weakness.  We are so concerned with protecting ourselves that we actually cause further damage by holding on to anger, by continuing to make people wrong, by detaching from the moment and living in the past, or by putting our past into our future by failing to forgive and failing to let go.  Forgiving is for our own benefit and not to condone another.  If you are hanging on to your past consider what that is doing for you.  How has it helped you get on with your life?

In India, monkeys are trapped by placing a banana inside the neck of a bottle, anchored to the ground, just wide enough to slip their hands in but not wide enough to pull the banana back out through.  If the monkeys let go of the banana they would be free, but as the banana has value for the monkeys they do not and the trapper easily places a bag over the monkey to capture it.  If you haven't done yet, let go of the banana.

With being less angry through forgiveness there has come a contentment.  Not only was I angry with other people, but I was angry about the situations I found myself in.  When someone says that their kids are diffciult or annoying, that there life is boring or frustrating, that their partner is uncooperative or uncaring, that their boss is dominating, or any of the other numerous complaints we have in life then they are really saying much more about themselves, their opinions being a reflection of themselves, than they are about the people or situations they have complaints about.  I found irritation in the most minor of things and now those things are just things that need doing so I do them, or that don't need doing so I don't worry about them.

With contentment comes an ability to live in the moment.  Rather than spending time worrying about or hanging on to the past, or being troubled about what may or may not happen tomorrow, and also being able to really move to a point where I am leading my life the way I want to rather than for the response of others, I am able to just be in the moment. That means being present, taking each moment for what it is, a massive sense of contentment and an appreciation for what is happening, rather than living in the concerns of my mind.  I have enjoyed moments that previously would have left me feeling either angry, or irritated, depressed, or frustrated.

Having piece of mind breeds confidence.  I believe in myself, I believe I have value, I can see my experiences for what they have taught me and know I don't need to keep on repeating my mistakes.

This last two weeks over Christmas have been wonderful, even in the mundane.  Being be able to say that, to move past the normality of life feels incredibly empowering.  Now I am enjoying all my life is.  My relationship with my two boys is in a very good place and I am treasuring being their father.  Other relationships, at home and at work, are blossoming and flourishing as I know myself better and take full responsibility for my responses, actions, and feelings.

I wish you all a great 2016 and look forward to sharing with you again throughout the year. I will write about what I am focused on getting for myself and my family in a post next month and will keep my word to talk about the Excellence Seminars I attended.  Please do leave comments or reply to me on Twitter or Facebook as it is in the conversations with others that I have had the most pleasure and made real-life connections with my readers.